July 9, 2012 by Stacy McDonald
Help! Can’t You Just Tell Me What to Wear?
Hi Stacy,
I appreciated this article, but I’m still feeling confused about the whole subject. Everyone seems to have a major difference of opinion on what is modest (Soul Surfer is a good example), so how do we as a family choose a standard and stick to it?
Do you think strapless is ok if there’s no cleavage? What about skirt length? Do your girls ever wear shorts?
My daughters are getting older and frankly the thought of having to evaluate each outfit, every time they leave the house, exhausts me.
I hate to ask for specifics, but I sometimes feel clueless when I don’t see much difference in what the girls at church are wearing and what the worldly girls at our local mall are wearing. We haven’t been Christians super long, and I want me and my girls to be modest, but to be honest, I’m not exactly sure what that means. Help!
Clueless in California,
Lisa
Hi Lisa,
You’re not alone! I think most of us would like a neat little checklist to follow. But God didn’t choose to teach us about modesty that way. The Bible seems to have given us very few specifics. However, in a way, He actually requires more from us than I think we realize.
Our ways are not His ways (Is. 55:9). We say, “God says not to murder.” But, Jesus requires more when He says that if we are angry with our neighbor without cause, we’ve committed murder in our hearts. We say, “God says not to commit adultery.” But, Jesus tells us that if a man looks at a woman to lust after her, he’s already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matt. 5:28). No adultery; check! No murder; check! And then he looks at our hearts. Ouch!
But, while the action is sin, He wants us to realize that the real issue resides deep in our hearts (James 1:14-15)! Pull a weed up from the root and the whole plant will be destroyed (Matthew 15:19).
I think feminine modesty is similar. God doesn’t want to give us a uniform to cover our “attention-seeking” bodies; rather, he wants us to willingly take all the glory we are tempted to keep for ourselves and give it all to God – the only One worthy of glory, honor, and praise! He wants to teach us by degrees to humble ourselves, to love Him with all our hearts, and to love our neighbor as ourselves! As usual, He focuses on the heart.
Still, I get what you’re saying. How do we know what is and isn’t modest when we’re coming out of such a sexually charged culture? How do we recalibrate and how does it all work out practically?
I think it’s interesting that Christian schools (and even some public schools!) acknowledge that immodest dress distracts students! That’s why they created dress codes (though rules only help to restrain sin, not eliminate it). Most school dress codes require covered thighs, shoulders, midriffs, and cleavage. That’s pretty easy. Even the heathen get that. So, why do Christians so often try to defend their “right” to wear clothes that reveal or emphasize these very things – and often with so much anger and vehemence? That’s something to pray about.
In our house, we looked at Scripture; and, where Scripture seemed to be silent, we used common sense. Interestingly, we found that Scripture wasn’t as silent as we thought. Here, we’ve considered a few basic modesty facts in making our clothing choices:
- Modesty Lovingly Puts Others First - Does not dress for self: 1 Corinthians 10:24; 13:4, Romans 12:10, Philippians 2:3, 1 Peter 2:17; Avoids anything that is likely to encourage a brother to stumble or a sister to despair: Hebrews 13:4, Romans 14:13, 1 Corinthians 8:13, Matthew 18:6, Proverbs 6:25; 7:10; Considers those who are weak: Galatians 5:13, 1 Corinthians 8:9, Romans 15:1–3
- Modesty Communicates the Purity of Christ and His Bride and Honors the Marriage Bed – Honestly represents the Bride of Christ: 2 Corinthians 11:2, Ephesians 5:27; Honors the Marriage Bed (Our own marriage, as well as the marriages of others): Hebrews 13:4, 1 Peter 3:1-2, Malachi 2:15, 1 Thessalonians 4:4, Song of Solomon 2:7; Does not distract others from worshiping God, but points others to Jesus, especially during the worship service: Matthew 5:16, Ezekiel 36:23, 1 Timothy 2:9–10
- Modesty Helps to Protect Women (and Men!) Aside from Scripture, this one is just common sense: 2 Tim. 3:1-6, Prov. 2:11
- Modesty Promotes Humility and Discourages Pride, Vanity, and Self-Centeredness - Flirtation/Alluring: Proverbs 6:25, 2 Timothy 2:22, Obsession with Looks and Attention: 1 Corinthians 13:4, Proverbs 31:30, 1 Peter 3:3–4; Proverbs 11:22 and much more!
- Public Nakedness is Shameful: Isaiah 20:4, Isaiah 47:2-3, Revelation 3:18, Revelation 16:15
- Modesty Honors and Glorifies the Lord (Not ourselves) – 1 Peter 3:2, 1 Corinthians 6:19–20, Titus 2:4-5, 1 Corinthians 10:31, 1 Timothy 2:9-10
- Modesty is Part of a Woman’s Call to be Chaste – 2 Cor. 11:2, Titus 2:5, 1 Peter 3:2
It’s not as difficult as we first thought. We can wear almost anything we want; though sometimes it takes some creativity. If we want to wear a tank top or sleeveless blouse that may otherwise be immodest, we add an undershirt and a short sleeved shrug. If the skirt my daughter outgrew last year is a bit too short, she adds leggings or a lightweight skirt underneath to extend the length. If we’re trying to figure out how to safely hike up a steep mountain during a family vacation, we wear loose jeans with a loose, dress or tunic that covers our backsides.
When there’s a questions, the ladies in our family try to help each other evaluate our outfits by raising arms, walking behind each other on the stairway, or bending over to check for cleavage. Who wants to flash the world when bending over to pick up a baby? If a skirt is a little questionable, it may be enlightening to try sitting in a chair in front of a mirror and crossing your legs a few times.
While it may take a little effort and creativity, if you have the heart to be modest, you’ll figure it out.
Soli Deo Gloria!
Thoughts to Ponder:
Sometimes modesty doesn’t have anything at all to do with being sensual or wearing revealing clothes (which is all wrapped up in being chaste); sometimes it has more to do with trying to impress others, or even just trying to be shocking by wearing something wild and crazy at inappropriate times (i.e. ostentatious).
Scripture to Ponder:
Women should adorn themselves in respectable [orderly, decent] apparel, with modesty [the opposite of dishonor, shame, or indecency] and self-control [moderation of desires, passions, or conduct] not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper [as is fitting] for women who profess godliness—with good works. (1 Timothy 2:9–10, ESV, commentary mine)
“They profess to know God, but in works they deny Him…” (Titus 1:16)
Suggested Reading:
Worldliness: Don’t Walk as the Gentiles
Soul Surfer: Beaches, Bikinis, and…Bibles?
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21 Responses to “Help! Can’t You Just Tell Me What to Wear?”
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Thank you!! I have been pondering all of this for a while now and needing some answers and good Scripture references to know what God says!
Blessings to you!
I love this article too and it is a good reminder as I go through my own closet! I might be a little more athletic than you, so I consider shorts as something to enhance performance, not to make a fasion statement. For example, short shorts, the length of panty-briefs are not practicle and are too short. Hiking, mid-length shorts or those cute knee length shorts are great. If you are hiking mountains, you should consider loose capris made out of nylon fabric which sheds water and sweat better and protects your legs from scratches from branches or rocks. (Wearing jeans might be difficult to hike in if it rains). If you love bike riding, you can get women’s biking shorts with a nylon skirt attached (found in performance biking magazines). I also love to swim and nylon swim suites are great(and last in pools longer than lykra) and on my swimsuite, the leg cut is too high, so I add a pair of swim board shorts. I like the idea of an under-tank top with a cute over tank-top. I do that a lot. If you go jogging, sports bras are a must, but you don’t have to show them off! Put a tee-shirt or tank top over and you also won’t get sun-burned in embarassing places! Leggings are great also in the winter under skirts. Clothing should cover you and be comfortable! Scarves and make-up for older teenage girls are fun, but the girls need a lot of guidance to find their own style without looking like a Gypsy or a rock-star! Keep in mind that make-up enhances natural beauty and foundation with SPF 15 is a plus!
I have five daughters, (the youngest is now 12) and I have found that if you train them in modesty from when they are babies, it is not such a problem when they get older. We have talked with modesty with our girls since they were little bitty and we talk about it often. We have dressed them modestly since they were babies. Modesty is a lifestyle to them and I can truthfully say it has never been a point of contention in our family. The girls help each other and sometimes they have sadly had to discard an article of clothing that they really likes, but they do it willingly, knowing they are pleasing God.
I greatly appreciate you efforts on the issue of modesty. I graduated from Christian university, and taught for a number of years at CDS, where rules concerning modesty were enforced. I am now noticing a lot of skin on a lot of “good Christian girls”, as well as on a lot of “good Christian women”.
Now-a-days, most men wear clothing that covers, but women wear clothing that reveals. Women say: “It is too hot!” But men seem to be OK in shirts with sleeves and long pants. Some women are even wearing flip-flop type shoes to church, sans hose, of course.
Regarding some of the clothing options mentioned above, I have noted that an over-blouse to cover a tank-top can often work very well. However, wearing an under-blouse to make up for a cutsie, revealing over-blouse often calls attention to the areas needing coverage. i.e. the bust. This is especially true of v-neck tops.
Excellent article and helpful comments by others. Thank you.
It IS very unfair that men can walk around with no shirts on if it’s hot enough. Hmph.
Very well written and I completely agree Stacy! Thank you!!
Hey Jennifer – you know what’s funny is that I am cooler now in my lightweight, flowy summer skirts than I ever was in the shorts and spaghetti strap shirts I used to wear. Also, having grown up in sweltering hot and humid South East Texas, I used to wonder at the construction workers I’d see on the tops of roofs in the July/August heat in LONG sleeve shirts! They knew it would actually make them hotter (and sun burned) if they allowed the sun to bake their skin. Nakedness is not actually cooler. Give me a nice breezy skirt any day.
We have taught our daughters about modesty since they were 6 and 4. They are now 16 and 14. When we hit puberty, things changed. Suddenly the cute modest shirt that they loved wasn’t modest on them anymore due to their changing bodies! Yikes!! It seemed like at least once every few weeks I was having to go through everything they owned to se if I thought it still fit properly. That’s when my husband and I came up with our family’s “modesty standard.” Basically, we cover everything “from neck to knees.” Also, to be more realistic on the “neck” part, each one of us put one hand to the base of our own necks. If the top still covers, it’s good. If you can see skin under the hand it’s not going to pass. We discovered that if we did that, we would still be able to bend down without someone seeing down the front of our shirts. Same with the skirt length- we check each other to see if we can bend and squat down without showing our knees or the backs of them. My daughters are “mother’s helpers” to a family with little children, so they have to be able to be very active all the time. I was so glad we came up with that, because I’m not always shopping with them or in their dressing rooms! They don’t want to do anything to become a temptation to their brethren in Christ!
Modesty of course is to be valued, but when it’s imposed by rules (even well-meaning rules by parents!) it’s not really modesty. I totally agree that it really is a heart issue, and since it’s a heart issue, it’s not one that can be imposed externally – girls need to dress modestly because they ARE modest. The clothes are just an external sign of an internal state.
When we impose rules on teenagers, we are giving them a measuring stick with which to judge others. This is how chaste Christian girls can get accused of being a “slut” or a “flirt” simply because her standards are a few inches different from what’s accepted at that particular church. And that’s heartbreaking. There is so much more to character than how much skin is being shown. The fact that the church is still so hung up on “modest apparel” shows that we’re not much better than the rest of the world in avoiding objectifying women. If all we see is a sexy body to be covered up, then we’re just as bad as the world that just sees a sexy body to be exposed. Maybe worse. At least they’re honest about it.
In addition, the rules we impose tell impressionable teenagers that their bodies are something to be ashamed of, covered up, even dangerous. This is consistent with the world’s messages that you’re never pretty enough, sexy enough, thin enough, etc. Christians need to be different. We need to accept teenage girls as they are – and they are sexually attractive. They can’t help it. That’s the way God made them and no amount of clothing is going to cover that up. Teenagers are already battling low self-esteem – as women who have been there and experienced those things we need to be showing them that their beauty is something to be celebrated, not feared, and certainly not something to be ashamed of.
Sexuality isn’t something can be turned off at puberty and then turned back on on your wedding day. I’ve heard many stories of women who couldn’t enjoy their wedding night because for so long their sexuality had been denied, repressed, and shamed. That’s a huge price to pay for a few more inches of fabric now. Let’s quit worrying so much about what the boys are thinking and care more about preparing our daughters for a healthy and happy marriage (and sex life!).
So where’s the line between being prideful and flaunting your sexuality vs. being confident and proud of body God gave you? I don’t know. I was always the fat kid wishing she could wear a bikini – I dressed very “modestly” but my desires were far from modest!! I think there is a healthy middle ground, but of course it’s always easiest to jump to extremes. So if any of you have this figured out, I’d love to hear your comments!
(Also, those of you who are dressing your babies “modestly”: ewwwww! Seriously? If your baby is causing any men to stumble you have waaay bigger problems than what your kid wears. Gross. And scary. Stay away from anyone who looks at your kid like that.)
I love what Shari said! I started my girls who are 12 and 5 dressing them in modest apparel when they were babies. Now, they don’t want to be seen by others in short sleeves. We wear long sleeves or 3/4 length sleeves, but most of the time, long sleeves and skirts down to our ankles. We believe in being on the safe side when serving God. That is what we think how we can please God is to be on the safe side in all points and area of our lives. May God bless us all.
There is also consideration to their growth rate. I had not thought of this (my kids are still little) but some girls mature physically before others and the cross roads that might come when one girl cannot wear something another can and how to handle that. I pray that I will be leading my daughters hearts to Christ so that His spirit will be working in them as we make these choices. It does seem so overwhelming sometimes and I really appreciate being pointed toward scripture. That its not about a check list from God but an opportunity to pray and work as a family to help glorify God in ALL that we do.
Kristi,
You said:
You mean like what the Bible says?
In like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel…(1 Timothy 2:9)
Or the whole verse from the ESV:
Women should adorn themselves in respectable [orderly, decent] apparel, with modesty [the opposite of dishonor, shame, or indecency] and self-control [moderation of desires, passions, or conduct] not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper [as is fitting] for women who profess godliness—with good works. (1 Timothy 2:9–10, ESV, commentary mine)
As for our children, I would suggest you read Training a Modest Heart
The Bible tells us that rules are there to govern the actions of those who refuse to be governed by virtue.
Someone mentioned that guys can walk around shirtless. I don’t think they should. We don’t let our boys walk around without shirts, even around the house. If most of us are honest, a shirtless guy can just as easily cause us to stumble as a girl in a bikini can cause guys to stumble.
Hi Barb,
I agree. Our guys don’t go shirtless and don’t wear muscle shirts or tight jeans. And when they wear shorts, they are loose and to their knees.
We do need to be careful of a double standard in certain areas. I’ve seen women who would flip out if their husbands watched porn, but these gals are reading the newest paperback fiction erotica aimed at women.
Thank you, Stacy for publishing this article!! I see in the church we are focusing so much on what we can get away with, rather then what protects our families, and our children.
At bible school this summer, the 5, 6, & 7 year old girls are even wearing immodest clothing. I think it draws so much unwanted attention by the other kids to constantly see a little one pulling up a strap that falls down!
I appreciate that you directed it is equal among men and women to be modest. Sometimes its hard for us as women to understand how drawn men are to things with their eyes! It is VERY unattractive to me to see a man anywhere without a shirt!
taAlso, to those that have problems with cleavage, or straps falling out, BeautiControl has a great roll on product called Body Glue!! and it washes right off. Great for bathing suits, socks, straps, or just a shirt with a neckline that falls open.
These women are all the more sick to be craving fiction where a woman is harmed and shamed.
There is no double standard in our home. My boys (and their dad) wear pants and shirts that cover. Even swimming, they wear swim shirts and long trunks to the knees. My shortest skirts are well past my calves with most being to my ankles and flowing and most sleeves go at least to my elbows. Our daughter will be dressed modestly as well. It’s not about rules or being under bondage it’s done out of love and respect for ourselves and our Father. Modesty is also not just outward appearance, it’s an attitude. We don’t want to be boastful or proud or representing ourselves in any way that detracts from God. When others see us they should be able to have no trouble seeing Christ in us. If you can’t readily see that there is something “different” about me then I need to change. We’re not supposed to be like the rest of the world but are supposed to be separate. And the churches wouldn’t still be hing up on something as simple as modest dress if more christians would read their Bible and stop trying to fit in with the rest of the world.
Thank you, Stacy. This is a topic the Lord has been dealing with me on a lot lately. I had already decided to make some changes, but it was good to get on and read another Christian woman’s thoughts.
When in doubt, ask your husband :) Sometimes I think what I have on is modest b/c it’s not tight, covers my body, is not too short, etc… but… men are sensitive to things women may not be aware of. There have been times that I’ve put something “modest” on, but my husband thinks it’s a little “too attractive” because it maybe ‘accents’ my figure too much (Think.. tucked in blouse/shirt with a pencil skirt – like 1940′s/50′s style – not saying that style is immodest, but sometimes certain colors draw more attention than others or someone’s figure might be more shapely than others) Or.. I might put on a pair of open-heeled dress sandals with a below-the-knee skirt to wear to church and he thinks it might draw too much attention to my legs. Now, he would be fine with me wearing that in the house for himself to enjoy :) but not out in public for whoever else! So just ask your husband. Say, “If another lady in church wore this outfit, would you be making an effort to avoid looking at her, or would you feel totally comfortable having a conversation with her or her standing in front of you during communion, etc…” I was always raised to dress “modestly”, but once I became married, I felt like my standards were raised b/c I wasn’t aware of how sensitive men really are to women! I like to dress stylish – at least thrift store stylish :) but it does take some time & effort to do so — but it’s totally worth it, and once you’ve got a few basics in your wardrobe, it’s not so overwhelming.
This is very interesting; thanks for posting. Something helpful I have found is the little saying “Concealed, not just covered”. Not only do I strive to cover myself in a modest fashion; I try to *conceal* my curves and other parts in a way that would not be a hindrance to young men’s minds.