September 20, 2011 by Stacy McDonald
My Haven of Rest
By Christa McDonald Blanchard
“Hold me now, O Father of Jesus. Sheltered safe, asleep in Your arms. No other place can promise protection. A fortress from pain, and a haven from harm.” – Michael Card
There are some who say that grieving is wrong, as if it somehow demonstrates a lack of trust or joy in the Lord. However, I believe that grieving can be deeply cleansing—even healing. Still, I understand the danger of despair in the midst of it all. When we take our eyes off the Lord and focus heavily upon the storm, we can sink into a mire of depression and hopelessness. When that happens, we forget to be thankful and we begin to miss out on the most important things in life.
It is easy to become overwhelmed and lose sight of the many ways God has blessed us. In our despondency, we may lose our zeal for life—sitting in our homes, not moving for days. People who are depressed may sleep long hours and lose their appetite completely; or they may eat everything in sight, trying to comfort their sorrow with food. Despair is irrational.
But, when we grieve, if we remember to look to Christ, He uses our pain to draw us closer to Himself. A deep bonding takes place. Jesus truly is the only one who can heal and mend our broken hearts.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” Matthew 5:4
My Husband and I were married in 2006. After struggling to get pregnant, the Lord graciously opened my womb; and, in 2008 we welcomed our first born son. Since it seemed to us that it took a while to get pregnant the first time, we began concentrated efforts to get pregnant when Joshua was six months old.
Three years later, after having been told by two fertility doctors that our chances of conceiving were very slim, we found out on August 19, 2011 that we were pregnant! Those sweet words still ring in my ears: “You’re pregnant!” The image of the positive pregnancy test is still vivid in my mind. I was even looking forward to morning sickness and gaining weight!
Then, what seemed to be the worst day of my life: I miscarried on August 25th. I kept asking myself, “What did I do wrong?” Why, after three long years, did I have to lose this long-awaited baby? Was it the mild exercises I did? Was it too soon to fly in an airplane? A million questions flew through my head!
“Do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strength you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
Since I was away from my husband, visiting a friend in another state, at the time of the miscarriage (along with my small son, Joshua), I tried very hard to remain calm. For some reason, I felt compelled to remain joyful, and to hide my tears as much as possible. But, stuffing my true feelings only made me feel worse. I continued to hold everything in, even after my husband flew out to meet us and we went to visit my in-laws. I made sure to “look” happy, though I felt like I was dying inside.
Then it was time to go home. It hit like a piecing arrow in my chest. This is where I found out I was pregnant. I left this place with a baby in my womb, and I was coming home empty handed. Now I had to learn to get back to regular life. With Daniel at work all day, nobody would be around to see me cry. And cry I did. Of course, I cried with Daniel too, but there was something profoundly comforting about being alone with the Lord and pouring out my heart (almost like an offering) to Him.
Through this experience, I learned first-hand that my God is in control and that He loves me. I may not know His reasons for this miscarriage, but I can tell you that I am blessed, and that I have hope in the Lord!
I am thankful that I became pregnant in the first place! I carried a baby for a few weeks and had morning sickness! All the “why” questions will remain unanswered, but I will continue to trust in the Lord!
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” Ecclesiastes 11:5
God showed me that He is the opener and closer of the womb, and that I can trust His sovereignty. Not only that; but, He also reminded me that I had in fact not come home empty handed. I have a beautiful three and a half-year-old, blue-eyed boy who lights up my world. I have a faithful and supportive husband by my side and I have a God who knows my needs and desires. He showed me that remaining thankful is the answer to keeping grief from turning to despair.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:6–7
I am still grieving the loss of our Shiloh, but I am content in the Lord. He continues to bring me closer to Him, and I will trust Him to lead me through my grief. And maybe, just maybe, one day, I will be able to hold another bundle of joy in my arms.
He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
Written by my daughter, Christa McDonald Blanchard
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16 Responses to “My Haven of Rest”
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beautiful, and well said. I also have suffered miscarriage, and have yet to become pregnant again, my heart aches for the little one I lost, and the constant thoughts of “did I do this” , “will I ever have more” “am I too old” etc.
It also took a full 14 months for my harmones to recover. I am finally feeling like the old me again.
Trusting the Lord with my womb in trust and not in fear.
After losing our first at 33 weeks the Lord blessed us with 3 beautiful children in 2 years. Wanting to add to our quiver we loss our 5th by miscarriage at 12 weeks. Of the many scriptures the Lord brought to our memory during these hard times, one that ministered to us greatly was Deut. 29:29.
As you have stated, remember the Lord is in control of all of life even the life in the womb. Trust God in all things. Now we are pregnant with twins;~).
As stated in the great hymn, “Be still my soul…” in the third verse:
Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know his love, his heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From his own fullness all he takes away.
May our Good God give you rest in your time of sorrow.
I’m terribly sorry to hear of this. We should never feel we can’t grieve. We grieve (Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus), but not as people who have no hope. One day, you will be reunited with that child, who is in heaven. That is the hope. Please do not give up in your quest to have more children. I hope you will have happier days in the future.
Thank you for your honesty and transparency. I never understand the idea among Christians that it is not okay to grieve a loss for the same reason Mary mentioned. Jesus wept for Lazarus, even as He knew that He was going to bring his friend back to life!
Infertility is perhaps one of the most difficult things in life to journey through. People who have not experienced it often do not understand the intensity of the feelings and emotions that it produces. Unfortunately, I have found church one of the hardest places to be in my struggle with infertility. Pat Christian answers just don’t cut it when your heart is aching for a child. Having faith and having hope do not always result in a child. I have learned (and am still learning!) how to be content with the life God has given my husband and I, even though it is not what I ever envisioned. Nothing that happens in our lives ever takes God by surprise, and I have decided to live like I believe that, even when the way my life looks doesn’t make sense to other people. Corrie ten Boom’s father taught his family that “All of our times are in God’s hands, even the difficult ones.” As you said, God is sovereign.
After 6 years of waiting for a child, we were blessed with a sweet daughter through adoption. I have never been pregnant, except for the possibility of a couple of very, very early losses, and it’s unlikely that I ever will be. I don’t need to hear that I will get pregnant now that we have adopted, I don’t need to hear that God works in many ways and He can open my womb, I don’t need to hear what someone’s second cousin’s best friend’s sister did to get pregnant! Obviously, God can do what He chooses, and there certainly is no limit to His power, but I have to be content with where my life is, not where I hope it will be. When I’m having an infertile moment, I really just need someone to say, “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Let me cry with you. Let me pray for you.”
I wish more Christian women would speak about their dealings with infertility. It’s much more common than most people realize, and a little understanding from friends and family would go a long way. Thank you again for being candid and sharing your heart here. May God bless continue to bless you and your family!
We were infertile for the longest time and people say the dumbest things. Mother’s Day was a particularly awful day for us, as mothers are exalted and those who long to be mothers sit there pretending that we don’t hurt. (Now that my husband is a pastor, on Mother’s Day he awards a flower to EVERY woman and girl, since nearly every woman has something to do with rearing children — if they are an aunt or whatver. Everybody loves this custom and nobody is left out or left to feel awkward.) Read this:
http://allinduetime.wordpress.com/2008/05/27/paraplegic-vs-infertile/ (Shows how using the same arguments on paraplegics instead of the infertile is really stupid.)
I think that when people see somebody who is really hurting, they don’t know *what* to say. They don’t mean to hurt.
Wondering if Christa has checked into the http://www.ovusoft.com boards under “complementary and alternative therapy” forums for Trying To Conceive. There are a LOT of excellent resources and people on that site, and she might find something that can naturally work with her system to help. I seriously would run and not walk over there to check it out!!! Thanks for your honesty.
Christa, I am on a similar path to yours. I am learning to be content with God’s plan, while continuing to do all that I can to improve my reproductive health through exercise and dietary changes.
May the Lord exalt His name in your situation.
Ruth.
We may never fully understand His reasons while here on earth, but the day we get to heaven it will ALL be revealed.
I am sure you would never want this tragedy and challenge in your life and though it is really really hard and at times royally stinks, I can see some of His work in this. Just look over the responses you are getting and the other lives who have suffered a similar loss and the hope & faith that you can shine His light on.
Many blessings and if it is His will may your womb be full again,
Carolyne
I first want to just tell you that I am sorry that your baby is gone and that fertility has been elusive for you. I would say that it is good to cry and grieve. Thank you so much for this honest post.
I have lost two babies in a row this year, one in the second trimester, one at over 10 weeks. I can attest to the benefits of grieving with hope and of welcoming Jesus near. He is the very best comforter. A very helpful book that was given to me by one of our pastor’s wives is Holding onto Hope by Nancy Guthrie. Here’s one quote that I love: “Our faith keeps us from being swallowed by despair. But, I don’t think it makes our loss hurt any less.”
Tears are good, right, and helpful, I believe, and Jesus is near…even at night when we long to nurse a newborn…even when we walk by the baby section in the store and our hearts want to crumble into a million small pieces when our eyes catch a glimpse of sweet little socks…even when our due dates for our children in heaven come…and go…with arms aching for a newborn.
I have been dismayed at the number of Christian women who think it odd that I would grieve a baby that I had not gotten to enjoy out of my womb. And yet, the Lord has supplied some dear friends who do understand, who pray for me as those hard times hit and I am sad.
Our pastor, John Piper, gave two sermons recently that were super for getting perspective on suffering:
First: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/this-illness-is-for-the-glory-of-god
Second: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/jesus-is-the-resurrection-and-the-life
As you wait in trust for God’s best plan to be laid out in front of you, may your heart be at rest and peace.
Psalm 147:3 – “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
“Shiloh”? She already knew it was a boy?
I have had 8 miscarriages, and 1 ectopic pregnancy. It is the hardest thing to go through. Reading this makes me want to cry. I do not understand why God does the things He does, but I trust Him. After being told that there was no way we were to have our own child, and starting the process of adoption, the Lord blessed me with my Junior (now 3 years) and then again with Zekiel (4 months). Even though it hurts to miscarry, it would hurt worse to not trust God with my womb.
Jennifer,
It is not uncommon for mothers who have lost a baby in utero, even at a very early age, to name their babies. We will meet our babies in heaven one day!
Thank you all for your prayers and advice. It is a big blessings to learn from other woman who have gone through, or are going through, the same season of life that I’m going through. With God’s grace, I find comfort in Him each morning.
Jennifer,
Since I miscarried early (6weeks), we did not know the gender of the baby. We picked out a name that was fit for a boy or a girl. Shiloih is a Hebrew name, and it means “God’s gift or His gift,” which we thought was perfect, since the baby was truly a gift from God.
Ah, I see. I’m so sorry about that, Christa; my mom had two, though the first one turned out to be a cancerous thing.
Christa,
I want you to know my heart aches for you during this trial. I am 43 and had medical infertility resulting in no children. It is very much a grieving process while still knowing that our God is able to do abudantly above all that we ask or think for us. One of the things I have done in my trials which now include a husband who abandoned me after 21 years of marriage is to remember that I am HIS child and that is the most wonderful gift in all of life though we suffer greatly on our journey. May God give you HIS very best sweetheart.