August 12, 2011 by Stacy McDonald
Domestic Tyrants
I was contemplating recently why I don’t care for the term “abuser.” It’s certainly an accurate description at times. I wondered if perhaps it was the overuse of the word that bothered me; and I think that is definitely part of it. However, I think I mostly flinch at the word because we are all abusers – every time we sin against someone we are “abusing” them.
People are not put on this earth for me to egotistically use. When I am selfish or unkind, or when I manipulate someone else, I am “abusing” them. If I scream at my children to get them to obey me, I am not correcting them biblically; rather, I am in a sense “abusing” them. But, that alone does not make me an automatic “abuser.”
So, what makes the chronic, controlling “abuser” different from the everyday sinner who offends, regrets that offense, and repents? And what would be a more accurate and distinct term for him? I think the word “tyrant” is more fitting- and I’m leaning toward defining the domestic version this way:
A domestic tyrant is a man who exercises his limited authority as if it is unlimited, and wields his power in a cruel or self-gratifying manner. He resists accountability, avoiding or outright refusing to submit to any authority in his own life.
Unrestrained, he oppresses his family in various ways. He may discipline his children excessively or unjustly. He demands or expects blind obedience from his wife and family. He is cruel with his words, his critiques, his actions, and his requirements.
He often makes unreasonable demands, imposes commands that cause family members to be unnecessarily burdened, pointlessly withholds reasonable pleasures, creates secrets, and isolates his family unnecessarily. He is a cruel master who rules by force, using fear to oppress those he is called to sacrificially love, nourish, and lead.
Men and women are different both physically and emotionally; therefore, though female domestic tyrants exist, they are quite different than their male counterparts. A woman who is a domestic tyrant exercises authority that she doesn’t have (toward her husband) and her limited authority (toward her children) as if it is unlimited. Similar to the male domestic tyrant, she uses cruelty, manipulation, harsh words, and sometimes physical violence to control, manipulate, and oppress her family.
There needs to be more teaching on how to biblically deal with true domestic tyrants (in the church and without). God’s people need to know the difference between the everyday conflicts experienced by any family of sinners, and the chronic, controlling, oppressive behavior of a tyrant, and how to deal with it Scripturally. I listened to a few sermons HERE and found them to be very helpful in understanding and recognizing the characteristics and tactics of a tyrant (male or female).
A World of Sinners
We all “abuse” one another when we sin against each other. We love ourselves more than our neighbor and “use” each other for some form of real or perceived personal gain. However, there is another level of sin that is chronic, mean, unrepentant and even calculating – it is evil and consuming. It has nothing to do with “biblical submission,” “patriarchy,” or being “quiverfull,” as some egalitarian opportunists have claimed. It has everything to do with tyranny and sin, and it is no respecter of denomination, lifestyle, or income level.
Some individuals with an egalitarian agenda have used for their platform hand picked families from what they call the “quiverfull” movement. (See Jesus-Full) Though tyrants exist in every type of family imaginable, they use only examples from families who appear to subscribe to the lifestyle they disagree with. They shamelessly exploit families suffering under domestic tyranny and use them to conveniently market their egalitarian position; and, in the process, they slander innocent families who are honestly living out their faith to the glory of God.
This is not only harmful to healthy families; it is a slap in the face to those who truly suffer or have suffered real abuse. However, because abuse is such an emotional hot button, many are easily deceived into believing that a more liberal doctrine where no headship exists would keep everyone “equal” and tyrants would have no power. This is a lie.
You see, the problem with tyrants is that they don’t recognize any authority except their own. So, while the concept of “equality” may seem nice and fair, it means little to a tyrant. Biblical authority requires accountability for all men.
Twisting God’s Word
Some tyrants do indeed use the Bible to hurt and manipulate those under their control. They shamefully pervert God’s Word to their own benefit; however, modifying the meaning of Scripture doesn’t solve that. It just means we need to better teach what the Bible actually says, disarming the tyrant who seeks to twist God’s Word and keep his victims silent. That’s what Jesus did when Satan tried to manipulate Him in the desert – He spoke God’s Word back to him and didn’t allow himself to be manipulated by evil. The Truth of God’s Word is a sure defense – but we need to know the Word, so as to disarm Satan the way Jesus did.
Domestic tyranny involves more than everyday offenses – even really bad ones. One friend put it this way: “It’s much more similar to kidnapping or man stealing or unjust enslavement, in that it steals normal liberties. Domestic tyranny is a campaign to damage and destroy, and it will use whatever means its left with, to that end.”
One way to disarm some tyrants – especially religious tyrants – is to teach the truth about biblical submission. I think to some degree we’ve all reacted, and maybe overly reacted at times, to feminism and the sins that branched from that tree. However, as always, we should act, not react. The answer to feminism isn’t blind submission to authority. The answer is humility and scriptural obedience.
Yes, wives are called to submit to their own husbands (Eph. 5:22); but, not blindly and never to the point of sin. A woman who enables a tyrant by submitting to his wild or irrational demands (or standing by while he makes those demands of her children) is not being a good helpmeet to him, and it may be that she is naively participating in his sin.
God has put certain protections in place for women. A rebellious man who thinks he is the ultimate authority, and refuses to be accountable to anyone besides God is dangerous. Too often, these types of men want their wives to submit and their children to obey, but they demonstrate no obedience or accountability themselves. A woman with a sinning husband who refuses to repent should seek the counsel and aid of her elders – elders who themselves are under authority.
Please read Should She Obey Him?
Women need to know that it is okay to seek help from their elders; or, if isolated, to seek help from godly family members, or others who the Lord makes available. It is not okay for a husband to tell his wife that she must submit to him no matter what. And if he does, he is abusing his authority.
She needs to know that it does not make her a feminist if she seeks godly counsel and help when her husband is behaving like a tyrant. We, the church, need to learn how to recognize and help families in crisis. We need to do like Jesus did and, when confronted with the manipulation tactics of the enemy, know how to see through it and respond and act (not react) biblically with the Word of God.
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22 Responses to “Domestic Tyrants”
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I am very familiar with this kind of tyranny, many tyrants don’t even know that there is anything wrong with their behavior. I think they just learned it from their father/role model. I am working overtime to keep my sons from becoming tyrants. Little boys who are spoiled don’t make good fathers or husbands. Thanks for this article!
Wow! Again your boldness has been a fresh breeze of truth in my life when it seems so many are not speaking truth in love. I love the way you are able, by God’s gifting, to take a very hot topic and communicate to others with grace the truth. Even discussing a topic that would be culturally (not biblically) ok to be one-sided and harsh, you have approached it with humility and grace.
I pray that the Lord continues to give boldness and humility, they compliment each other nicely.
Very fine article…as far as it goes. However, it would be nice to see an article on how Christian men are repenting and their Christian wives are refusing to submit, being heavily influenced by feminism/culture in direct contradiction to Scripture. And the church leadership is paralyzed with fear of these women, as they divorce their husbands, their large families with many children being thrown into turmoil. Our church is experiencing this first hand. Anyone else seeing this?
Your message needs to be heard by every woman who has ever been abused. Thank you for speaking words that bring such freedom. Phyllis
Loved this. And the article (link at the end) written by your husband as well. It brings true wisdom and balance to this issue. It is amazing how the pendulum always seems to swing one way or the other…both extremes a warping of the truth. This sits where it should. Rooted in the WHOLE Word of God.
Hi Kurt,
Yes, I have known both male and female domestic tyrants. And Satan uses deception to keep both types well hidden.
This is wonderful, I think repentance on my part of being a Domestic Tyrant toward my children is in order. Thank you for not being afraid to share. I’m going back to listen to the sermons and read the articles as well. :)
I believe the Lord’s timing is perfect and this came at the perfect time!
You absolutely hit the nail on the head when describing the truth behind what a tyrant is doing. Abuse, this is exactly what is happening and more often than not, a tyrant will most often times destroy everything in his/her path. We have to make sure that we are constantly allowing ourselves to be aware of those situations as well as, offer strength to the weaker persons.
I’m grateful for your willingness to stand against the grain and discuss topics that most choose to either over-look or ignore all together
Kurt:
Stacy shared this link about abuse in the body of her article. It is a 21 part series on abuse. Number 18 specifically addresses “The Abuser as Jezebel”. The pastor shares throughout the series affirmation that women abuse. Number 18 is more specific about it. Here is the link to that particular lesson:
http://www.sermonaudio.com/playpopup.asp?SID=1122101357152
I’ve learned to stand against both feminism and male domineering; one so often occurs as a faulty solution for the other.
I had written an article on my old blog titled, “If You Give Two men a Match” that you’ve inspired me to re-post on my new one. It was after I read some articles from “Quivering No More.” that I felt the need to write it.
As you know, I am sorting through all the misconceptions and personal bad experiences I have had in the past with those who believed in the Patriarchal model. I DO believe that this model appeals to men who are looking for reasons to control their families, and I have seen it(hence my bad experiences) but God can do wonders through a man who has a servant-leader’s heart and a passion for God’s Word.
To me, beautiful and righteous fruit is produced in families who have such a spiritual leader in their home. I am convinced that unless fathers truly believe that they are the spiritual leaders in the home, genuine change will not happen in our church and family life.
I still have unanswered questions, but of that much I am certain!
By the way, I just received my copy of Maidens of Virtue the other day and look forward to reading it with my teen daughter:)
Hi Kurt
I too had a female tyrant in my family, my mother. Treated my father with disrespect. After my sisters and I grew up she divorced my father and remarried a man who seemed to by more her type than my father was. She was just as disrespectful her 2nd husband as she was to my father.
Why did you remove my post?
I enjoyed reading this article. I left my domestic tyrant after he treatened to kill me for the third time. Each time telling me how he was going to do it and with which weapon of choice. I tried everyway to make our marriage work even dismissing some of his aggressive and manipulating ways of controlling me and who I could be in contact with. I have had some good Christians telling me I have done the wrong thing and that I need to return to my marriage. I will not do that for my sake or the sake of my two grown up daughters. I want to teach them that behaviour they witnessed is not what God has in mind for a healthy marriage. I have just started reading your blog today and I plan to keep reading. God bless, Clare
Georgia – your comment was not removed; it had simply not been approved yet.
Thank you for this…I am now in the relationship you described, working towards finding a job (I am a full-time homemaker) and getting out of this unhealthy, unsafe place. Reading this makes me realize I am not alone! P.S. Blessings to you, Clare.
Both my husband and I have had domestic tyrants in our families — of the male and female variety.
@ Kurt….
As to the Jezebel spirit, it is not something which has to do with women refusing to submit at home. It has to do with teaching men within a congregation setting.
The issues of the Jezebel spirit are a little more, not complicated, but widespread than one would at first believe. To point directly at women alone in the battling of that spirit is not wise because it is a stronghold which grabs both genders, and I have found after wandering within the Body of Christ across 38 years that it also works with the Religious spirit. So, in other words, if any husband is misusing his authority by sinning in arrogant religious teaching within a home, he is in effect driving his wife/daughters into temptation to quit their sphere. This will take them into temptations linked to the Jezebel spirit.
In addition, due to some imbalance in the teaching of women within some parts of Christianity, women are actually left with few choices considering that many of us are gifted in things like prophecy or discretion. I myself have prophetic gifting, but in the way churches as a whole are run in this day and age, there is nowhere to use this gifting outside of the home culture.
Mrs. McDonald rightly speaks of this schism when she writes of the overreaction to feminism in this article.
Please, sir, do not put the Jezebel spirit issues entirely on women. In my personal opinion it will only continue to perpetuate oppression upon the very women who are raising the army of tomorrow.
Yes, I have seen what you are talking about. I have equally known of a woman excommunicated from a family integrated church because she chose to divorce her husband who was physically abusing her. There is grave imbalance in this arena, and it is not black/white by any stretch of the imagination.
Blessings,
Cara
Are we all “abusers”? Seems to me that “abuse” involves misuse of (presumed) authority rather than every time one misses the mark of Christlikeness. So, a mother railing on her children fits the definition, as does a father disrespecting his family by micromanaging and controlling their every decision.
Stacy, I’m sorry that some have painted with such a broad brush out of unresolved hurt from their own experiences that they assume that every QF family is “abusive”.
But, personally, as a QF mom of 8 who dumped the “wife submit!” teaching without dumping the Bible, my faith, or my husband, I notice that you quote Eph 5:22 but overlook Eph 5:24 which allows no “exceptions” whatsover to a wife’s submission:
“wives are subject to their own husbands
in everything” Ephesians 5:24
Everything means everything! No exceptions.
That’s how I tried to live for 22 years of our 28 and it was a nightmare. Glad its over now!
NOW, I AM SUBJECT to my husband in everything (rather like I AM SUBJECT to gravity) but I do NOT SUBMIT to him in everything.
Chels, you helped me greatly with this. Thanks for the comment!
For the record Chels, I don’t believe all QF families are in the least abusive. It’s creating authority where there shouldn’t be any that’s fruit for abuse.
Btw, when I said that you helped me Chels, I meant before you made that comment, with your wisdom elsewhere as well :)