November 18, 2010 by Stacy McDonald
What is Abuse?
According to Webster’s 1828 Dictionary, the word abuse is defined as “ill use; maltreatment; misuse with bad motives or to wrong purposes.” It goes on to describe an abuser as “a ravisher or a sodomite.”
The Online Etymology Dictionary defines abuse literally as: to “use up;” “to misuse sexually; ravish.” Basically, to abuse is to use to the extreme something or someone (including ourselves) improperly, and to a bad end.
However, sometimes, when people use the word abuse, they mean other things. Today, the word abuse is used to describe everything from violence, rape, molestation, and verbal cruelty to any form of corporal punishment, hurting someone’s feelings, offending the religious views of another, or even “grounding” a child from something he wants to do. In society’s effort to extend the definition of abuse, the word has nearly lost its meaning.
In our upside down culture, parental authority is consistently questioned and undermined. Last year, a 12-year-old girl in Quebec who had been caught posting inappropriate pictures of herself online was grounded by her father from a three day school trip. Her response was to sue her father because “the trip was very important to her.”
Was her father being heavy handed? Was his decision abusive, cruel, or tyrannical? Apparently, someone thought so. The girl sued her father and won!
This young lady could have turned to her friends at school and described in detail the moment she was told she couldn’t go on this much anticipated trip. She could have shared her pain and disappointment, describing the confrontation in colorful detail…right down to her father’s angry or (perhaps) poorly chosen words.
Or she could have gotten down on her knees and thanked God she had a father, as imperfect as he may be, who cared enough to set and enforce boundaries for her.
Unfortunately, there were too many people involved in that case who were more interested in helping this young woman focus on her own desires than on honoring her father, and respecting his decision.
Beaudoin, the father’s attorney, said, “He doesn’t have authority over this child anymore. She sued him because she doesn’t respect his rules…it’s very hard to raise a child who is the boss.” You can read the story HERE.
Rather than stretch the meaning of abuse (which has been redefined into oblivion) to include anything that offends our sensibilities, and instead of labeling anyone an “abuser” who gets in the way of what we want to do, let’s examine legitimate ways people harm one another, and discuss when and if the church or civil authorities must get involved.
We have a bit of a dilemma. Webster’s “maltreatment” definition may simply describe the way we all regularly sin against one another. Jesus tells us in Matthew 22:37-40 that all the commandments are summed up in the two commands: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind,” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
So, maltreatment (or abuse) could be described as failing to properly love one another. Of course, that means, to varying degrees, we all abuse one another, since we all fail to perfectly love. Defined this way, each of us has been abused, and each of are abusers. “Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” (Romans 13:10)
But, again this shamefully detracts from the seriousness of true abuse—the scary kind—the kind you read about in the news. It also minimizes other forms of real abuse that may not leave visible marks. Obviously, there are varying degrees of harm people inflict upon one another, and sometimes the extremes create crisis.
It seems we need to find a way to separately define common abuse (a general failure to love as we ought) and damaging abuse (serious, habitual harm to another person).
For instance, if a man neglects or speaks unkindly to his wife (and this goes both ways) he has in fact abused her. She was given to him to love and cherish; yet, he has failed to love her as he loves himself. And in a husband’s case, he has also failed to love her as Christ loved the church. He has sinned. He should repent and win back his wife’s trust.
Still, most of us would not view him as an “abuser.” We can’t go around labeling every person who sins against others an “abuser,” unless we’re willing to claim that label for ourselves as well (Romans 2:1-3).
However, when even verbal abuse becomes oppressive, habitual, or damaging to the health of the relationship or family, it is time (and maybe past time) to get help (Matthew 18:15-17). Enabling a brother or sister’s sin is not acting in love. Read Should “She, Obey Him”?
There are other ways man harms man—actions that are rightly called abusive: physical or sexual assault, spiritual exploitation (cults), harmful neglect of the helpless under our care, and cruelty to the elderly or infirm. More extreme situations call for more drastic measures, and some situations necessitate the involvement of civil authorities.
So perhaps it would be helpful to distinguish the different forms of abuse. I’ve attempted this here by breaking down abusive behaviors into four categories:
Type A: A general failure to love as we ought, which is not habitual and which occurs within the context of an overall healthy relationship. This, at the very least, includes every one of us.
Type B: A habitual and ongoing failure to love as we ought that escalates to the point of damaging the physical or emotional health of those around us. Here is where relationships slowly erode and children are sometimes scarred because of a consistent pattern of emotional assault. Included here: A pattern of irrational behavior; verbal attacks; unreasonable demands; and angry outbursts. It is imperative that those in this situation seek godly counsel.
Type C: This type of abuse includes physical or sexual assault, or serious wrongful neglect. This type of abuse is what generally comes to mind when the word “abuse” is used and usually requires intervention from the civil realm, as well as the church.
Type D: This type of abuse is sometimes (ironically) abused. It describes the behavior of groups which are marked by false teachings or a false teacher—a cult. Unfortunately, there are those who use the loaded term spiritual abuse to label true brothers and sisters in the faith with whom they disagree.
True spiritual abuse occurs when individuals are deceived into believing they are following God, when, in fact, they are following a false prophet (2 Peter 2:1).
Of course, the most vile and reprehensible cases of abuse happen when one who is stronger (either in size, influence, or power) takes advantage of his/her position to harm those who are weak or vulnerable. We are called to defend those who are helpless. And Scripture speaks directly to those in positions of strength, authority, or influence, charging them with the care and protection of the weak:
“Rebuke the oppressor; defend the fatherless, plead for the widow.” (Isaiah 1:17)
“Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble…” (James 1:27)
“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel… (1 Peter 3:7)
“Warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all.” (1 Thessalonians 5:14)
“I have shown you in every way, by laboring like this, that you must support the weak…” (Acts 20:35)
“Woe to the shepherds of Israel who feed themselves! Should not the shepherds feed the flocks? You eat the fat and clothe yourselves with the wool; you slaughter the fatlings, but you do not feed the flock. The weak you have not strengthened, nor have you healed those who were sick, nor bound up the broken, nor brought back what was driven away, nor sought what was lost; but with force and cruelty you have ruled them.” (Ezekiel 34:1-4)
“But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea.” (Mark 9:42)
David Powlison at CCEF defines abuse by using three broad categories:
There are three broad categories of child abuse: verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse. If you were verbally abused, someone whose words should have been helpful and kind instead demeaned you and assaulted you. If you were physically abused, someone (perhaps a parent or another authority figure) attacked you and hurt you. If you were sexually abused, someone used you and violated an intimate part of who you are.
Vicious words and violent behavior may leave loved ones wounded and broken for years. When someone lives under a spirit of anger and humiliation at the hands of someone who is called (and claims) to love them, deep hurts result.
So, yes, sin exists; there is no doubt. Husbands and wives fail one another. Pastor’s fail their flocks. We fail the widow and orphan. We are impatient, unsupportive, inconsiderate, thoughtless, selfish, negligent, and forgetful. We are sinners. Praise God we have a Savior.
The question is not whether or not abuse exists; we know that it does. It seems the real dilemma is how to differentiate between the extremes of random unkindness or common offenses and habitual cruelty, lasting harm, or assault. While both extremes are a result of sin, the levels of outside involvement necessitate highly varied responses. And evaluating all the levels in between may take the involvement of godly counsel.
In addition, since the word “abuse” is such an emotionally charged word, bringing to mind horrific assaults on the weak, perhaps one should simply name the sin (if it must be named), rather than categorize all offenses under the ambiguous word “abuse.”
There may be a question as to when and to whom sharing such details is appropriate, but to keep implications to a minimum, if one feels led to share, one should be more specific. Instead of saying, “My father (or husband) abused me,” be specific:
“My father frequently spoke harshly to us children over minor things.”
“At times, my mother disciplined me in anger.”
“When he is moody, my husband often punishes those around him with silence, brooding, or harsh words.”
Depending upon the pattern, intensity, and frequency of the above examples, these abusive tendencies may be categorized under Type A or Type B, but should not be lumped together with the more oft-thought-of Type C. Therefore, rather than inadvertently suggest that the wide range of serious sins covered under the single word “abuse” applies to every claim of abuse, it may be better to specify what you mean.
In addition, we should keep in mind our own sin against God…and each other—we all regularly violate the royal law by failing to love one another as we ought. Therefore, we should never exaggerate the sins of others and we should be very cautious about publicizing them. We should also keep in mind that many times those who have offended us are the very ones who have cared for us, nurtured us, and loved us deeply.
“For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.” (Matthew 7:2)
Resources for victims of abuse:
Recovering from Child Abuse: Help and Healing for Victims Pt. 1
Recovering from Child Abuse: Help and Healing for Victims Pt. 2
What is the difference between loving and enabling?
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17 Responses to “What is Abuse?”
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I am not sure though, Stacy. Often, I think the reason that true abuse victims tend to not share even as much details as you said to share is they pay for it.
Usually the times when I have met people who have truly been abused, you can tell by their lack of openness about the details.
Interesting article but what of spiritual abuse?
Hi Taunya,
I’m not sure what you’re asking. I referred to spiritual abuse as Type D in the chart:
If you’re asking me what should be done about it, I don’t know, other than to continue to reach out to people in that situation with the Truth of the Gospel.
Hi Martha,
You’re right. Those whom I’ve known who have been truly abused, don’t tend to like to talk about it. They may be wrapped up in a lot of fear and usually have to really trust you before they’ll share their struggles or ask for help. That’s why it’s so important to be in a solid church where the elders and others are involved in the life of the body.
My point Stacy is that spiritual abuse is often hard to define and even harder to prove. Many who have been spiritually abused can not even put into words what has happened to them. When they do attempt to describe what they have experienced they are often not believed or said to be exaggerating. For this reason many don’t speak up or they do so anonymously.
I think this is why we should show love and caring to a fellow Christian who is claiming to be abused. We should not assume the worst of them but attempt to help them work through what they are experiencing. We should not seek to further wound them by insinuating that their abuse claims are not valid when we have no proof that they are lying.
Problem is, while the secular world tends to loosely use the term “abuse”, the religious world underplays it and often ignores blatant examples of it. One woman’s family taught her that almost all wants, desires for comfort, and discontent with her heavy workload were sin. By the time she was an adult, she was almost too worn out to look forward to any further life. And even people who saw examples of how unhappy her heart was as a child openly doubted she’d been abused.
Hi Taunya,
I thought I would take a stab at this, as I am honored to serve the Body of Christ as a pastor. Wikipedia actually has a pretty descent definition for spiritual abuse. Here it is…
And here is the beauty of Christianity. The Bible presents three primary spheres of jurisdiction – the home, the state, and the church. These spheres are not independent. They are interdependent. Thus, a person who is in a church that preaches and promotes this will be less likely to suffer abuse of this nature because there would be no “unquestioning obedience.”
Yes indeed, spiritual abuse is very damaging. And the true church of Jesus will stand against it. (Matthew 7:15-20; 1 John 4:1–3; Colossians 2:8). And elders who follow Christ will have the same attitude as the Apostle Paul who said, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ.” (1 Corinthians 11:1)
I agree with you. Charges of abuse of any type should be taken seriously. But, they should not necessarily be believed at face value without thorough investigation and fervent prayer. (Deuteronomy 17:6, Matthew 18:16, 1 Timothy 5:19)
If we just take accusations as “proof,” we can end up with a modern version of the Salem Witch Trials.
As an investigation proceeds, the accuser should be protected and counseled. But let the truth come out and then let the right be proclaimed.
I hope that makes sense.
By the way, I do not believe abuse is on the rise. Wicked men and women have taken advantage of others for centuries. This is nothing new. It is indeed the sinfulness of man since the Fall.
Blessings to your household. Please say hello to Robert for me.
In Jesus,
James
Thank you for the thought and effort you have put into this post. It is encouraging that you have taken the time to carefully define and consider these issues.
I think the problem is Jennifer says sometimes too. We see it among the Amish all the time, where incest, rape and other forms of abuse are covered up, the victims punished and the perpetrators never stopped.
We don’t like to admit that in our fight to be different from the world though that sometimes we have created an environment that is extremely conducive to true abusers.
Yes, all men and women who are conservatively religious are not abusers as we well know, but place a true abuser in the environment of where he is absolutely in charge, women are encouraged to do all the godly things and submit and you can have a recipe for disaster.
I think that as godly pastors, this should be part of your training. To look for people that tend towards this and dig a little deeper in taking care of your flock and rooting them out or exposing them. I think that if pastors take this seriously, maybe the trend will stop a bit. I know three men who were serious abusers….meaning multiple victims etc and I am not talking Spiritual abuse. All three were highly, highly religious, 2 were Elders in the church, one held bible studies constantly…..I mean, you felt bad for saying something felt off. 2 of them have prison sentences now, but only after years of abusing others as it was not detected and at times the signs were ignored by the church.
If the church was more pro-active, I think there would be less. I was reading God’s laws on some of these things and I think if they knew they would be killed, there would be a much less temptation to do so.
James,
Thank you for your comments and I will tell Robert you said hello.? Here is where I see a problem. Many of these families that become abusive are not members of a church. Many leave churches that they feel aren’t conservative enough due to things like the presence of youth groups, manner of dress, style of music, etc. They go in search of a church with a better fit and end up home churching or attending a church that is so far away that they can not truly be members or in some cases just worshiping at home as a family.
In these instances the family does become isolated and there is no one to report abuse to. Also I have heard of many cases where a wife or child goes to someone in the church and very little is done. These families are on their own. When young girls finally get a chance to run from these families many do and then some seek to extend a hand and try and help others in similar situations. For these precious daughters and sons the role of the Holy Spirit in their lives has been replaced by a parent. It is spiritual abuse at it’s worse and it is hard to prove. Their are no bumps, no bruises, no s*xual abuse and the person themselves may not be able to articulate exactly how the abuse was carried out.
We should not discount these stories, we should guard against bearing false witness against a young adult who very well may be telling the truth. We should give them the benefit of the doubt and assist them in finding the help they seek. Understand I am by no means saying that abuse occurs in all families that seek to worship at home. I am just saying that in many of these abuse cases the family is not a member of a Bible-believing church that will step in when allegations of abuse are made.
One more thing many children in these families are too afraid to go to a member of the church and complain. After all all the parents have to do is decide to leave the church and the child is on their own once gain.
I am not saying that I have the answer here but over the years Robert and I have seen many instances of spiritual abuse in families that have simply “gone rogue” for lack of a better term. We are dealing with no less than three of these cases right now. It is sad and in every instance the children are suffering in one way or another but most importantly the entire families’ walk with the Lord is in jeopardy.
James please excuse the question mark after my last sentence I was typing fast in an effort to get off the computer to make dinner!
Hi Taunya,
Real quick, what you detail is why I am not a supporter of the independent home church movement. I do not see it as a biblical model.
There are many potential problems therein. And, at the end of the day, we are not able to solve everyone’s problems. All one can really do is stand for the truth, encourage folks to join good churches, and let the Lord work out the details.
Blessings,
James
James I am aware that your family does not support the home church movement as I believe you have spoken about that before either publicly or with my husband and I. I must however say that I think there are some things going on right now among conservative homeschool circles that are leading people to do just that.
With the emphasis in these circles on family integrated churches, women staying home, etc. Many who read your books and books from Vision Forum, etc begin to become dissatisfied with their churches. The problem comes when they go to look for a church like yours or Doug Phillips or Voddie Baucham’s or Scott Browns and they don’t find one in their area. Many then try to make it work in their current churches but the more they read, books, blogs, CD’s, DVD’s the more convicted they become and soon they give up and leave their churches to start their own.
This is a slippery slope because at that point all accountability stops. I have seen many of these “new” home congregations split several times in the first year and in fact both Voddie Baucham’ and Scott Brown’s churches have had some less then amicable shake ups. In these new FIC’s families often leave the minute their feet are held to the fire. Men have become “kings” of their families, whatever they say goes, they will submit to no authority.
Soon they are laying down the law, some have older daughters that were raised for the most part before mom and dad took on these new convictions. When they are told for the first time as teens that they can not wear pants, must not go to a university, must not work outside the home until marriage, which will now be achieved by courtship, many don’t want any part of it. They are then told that this new lifestyle is a MUST for Christians. This simply is not so. These are extra-biblical convictions not REQUIRED by God to walk with Christ. When these young ADULTS are told they must adopt these requirements or they are rebelling against God the parents are in GRAVE error.
Many older daughters are leaving the family and living as conservative Christians who simply don’t hold these convictions. The family and the daughter’s family then simply break ties like the Amish. It is sick and it is sad.
James I am not saying it was yours or Stacy’s intent to have these things happen. I don’t think anyone has set out to write books that would make this series of events occur, but it has and to ignore it, or discount it is wrong. Many have desired the lifestyle you have put forth and when they attempt to copy it in their church homes and in their families they make moves that end up isolating them from extended family, their original church families, and their communities and as Martha said above that environment makes it easier for those predisposed to abuse.
I think we are now beginning to see the “fruit” of all of this as the children from these families become adults and finally have a voice of their own. They are speaking out, they are letting us know what is happening out there. This will continue to happen in greater numbers as more and more of these children leave their homes either through marriage or on their own. As they become financially independent and are no longer required to keep quiet to have a home and be fed they will in many different ways tell their story.
We should listen, we should attempt to help and we should examine ourselves and see what if anything we can do in the future to further clarify what is the right way and wrong way to adopt extra-biblical convictions. We can not just shove this under the rug. The truth has a way of coming out.
Hi Taunya,
Well, there is much here. I will not be able to address it all in one comment. But I will at least start. You have given me some good ideas for future articles!
First, let’s talk church. We both know there are faithful churches and not so faithful churches in this nation. The church of America, as a whole, is one of the most Laodicean institutions of all time. So, there are sometimes real reasons to leave a church. Also, I am sure you have seen that those who hold to personal convictions are sometimes called legalistic, even without saying a word. All they need to do is desire to keep their children with them in service or not send their children to youth group and they find they are considered outsiders. I visit with pastors here often. And I can tell you that some are not pleased to have homeschoolers in their congregations. Even pastors, at times, fail to be teachable.
That said, you are right that some leave good churches for no reason. Or they split churches over non-essentials. I do not have any knowledge of the problems you allege above, but I can tell you I have seen church splits happen in the mainstream church just as much as I have seen it happen in the FIC crowd. Sin is sin, regardless of whether you homeschool or not.
With regard to the impact books can have on a life, you are right. Luther’s 95 Thesis sure shook up Germany. Calvin’s Institutes impacted much of Europe in a powerful way. And, while I am certainly not saying that the modern works of the day have anywhere near the scholarship of those ecclesiastical classics, Christian family books, such as The Excellent Wife, The Exemplary Husband, Federal Husband, Reforming Marriage, and Stacy’s books, are based on God’s Word and are offered to the Christian community as a source of help. If they are off base Scripturally, then we have a place to debate. But one cannot blame the tool on the sinful hearts of men. For instance, guns do not make men murderers, sin makes men murderers. These books, or others, do not cause church splits; sinful men abuse good things and cause church splits.
Lastly, I agree with you to a point. There will be children who leave home and take a different path than their parents. This again is nothing new. It has happened since the dawn of time. Sometimes, this happens because parents teach law instead of grace. Sometimes this happens when parents hold to a good standard, but do not instruct their children why the standard exists. Sometimes this happens out of true abuse. And sometimes, this happens because children are rebellious. There is no blanket answer here.
And we are all with you regarding listening and helping. I have yet to meet someone who has it all together. I know we can’t make that claim.
Blessings,
James
I have been emotionally, mentally, verbally, spiritually abused. Spiritual warfare is found all throughout scripture and its cruelty is evident in the endless laments found in scripture. Its damage is known by all of us and we are without excuse in protecting the victims of this, we are simply without excuse. In Isaiah, God promises to come in and take care of those whom are not helped by people, and are mishandled by the court systems and God is true to his word and I was not helped at all, by any organization, largely because of a lack of education and the incredible abuse that the legal system would have if they could “play” with emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is not something the courts nor the law enforcement agencies can deal with, because it is spiritual and only God, only the church and only the believer can be saved from this type of warfare. However, because there is a huge secular world out there, there are many steps that can be taken to protect our families from this very destructive and very real danger. Remember: hate in one’s heart is murder, so spiritual warfare is attempted murder if not murder it is a very serious matter…………..I have no prob talking about this abuse, but the listeners have problems listening to it and they will blame the victim rather than support and unless you have been victimized severely, you simply cannot relate, it really is one of those “had to be there” things. , OUR community is indeed complacent and indifferent…..I am healing, and I know I will be FULLY healed because the Lord promises this and faith does move mountains, it really really does. God takes what others mean for harm and he does turn it into good and so I am saddened to read above, that a full recovery is doubted. I am still very much in the middle of the abusers life, he still assaults but his blows do not possess their power as they once did, there is incredible healing with knowledge and while you never ever get use to abuse or accepting of it, there is a way to be shielded, to fight back spiritually (its useless to fight the man, it will only entangle you, so you seriously learn to disengage from him if you cannot get away from him) ; you can and will heal…you have to believe and you have to replace every stinking lousy thing the abuser did with God’s words, literally replace them and like any habit, you can do this with time. You can…Look, I have been to hell, it was so terribly bad, so vile, I would not wish this on my worst enemy ………..but you will also be lifted up, resurrected. Jesus did not die in vain, he did not and he can and will heal you.
God bless you Debby, I will pray for justice and your healing.
I would contend, from personal experience, that long term emotional abuse is in your category C. The physical abuse was rare and I knew that was wrong. I did not understand how wrong the constant demeaning verbal assaults were. I did not understand when being told to submit and obey often contradictory tasks was abuse. I love your piece on the Domestic Tyrant. I lived with one for 17 years recognizing myself as an Abigail, walking through it with my true Bridegroom until He released me biblically when my husband had an affair. My pastor understands and is backing the kids and I, counseling us, etc. but my ex-husband’s pastor has believed his lies and re created history and is calling for me to be excommunicated.