August 7, 2010 by Stacy McDonald
“I have seen among the simple, I have perceived among the youths, a young man lacking sense…” (Proverbs 7:7, ESV)
I received the following email from a young lady who would like to remain anonymous. I recently gave a talk at a local ladies event on the topic of chastity. Afterward, my husband rightly pointed out that the young men need to “get it” too. I heartily agree. They also need to listen to their parents and consider Proverbs 7 and Proverbs 31 when looking for a wife.
We are praying that God would raise up an army of faithful, godly young men who are ready and deserving of the faithful young women who have diligently prepared for them. Grow up. Or you’ll live to regret it. Please pass this on to all the Christian young men you know. – Stacy
An Open Letter to Conservative Christian Guys
From a Conservative Christian Young Woman
Struggling to Remain Modest, Pure, and Content
I know that every family has different standards. They have different convictions that the Lord has put upon their hearts, and different likes and dislikes, unique styles and tastes. Christian fathers differ on plenty of things too. Therefore, the way each father leads his family varies. But, sometimes things that are clearly against the teachings of the Bible, get veiled under the “our own standards” cloak.
I don’t have a problem with girls wearing pants. I don’t have a problem with girls wearing only skirts. I don’t have a problem with stylish clothes, jewelry, makeup, or fashion—I wear these things. What I do have a problem with is girls who purposefully flaunt themselves in front of young men, especially since one of them could very well be my future husband – and I have a huge problem with the guys who fall for them.
I don’t plan on compromising my standards. I’m certainly not saying, “If you don’t stop acting like a bunch of Gentiles (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5), I’m going to join you.” By God’s grace, I am committed to controlling my physical desires, rather than walking “in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God…” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)
So why do I dress and behave as I do? Why do I avoid defrauding you by flirting with you and tempting you to sin? Why don’t I enjoy your attention by lowering myself…by flaunting my body? God’s Word tells me that I was created for better things than this—and so were you. I have a husband out there somewhere who will appreciate my faithfulness.
“Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.” (Proverbs 31:10)
“Women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing…” (1 Timothy 2:9-10)
“To be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.” (Titus 2:5)
“That our daughters may be as pillars, sculptured in palace style…” (Psalm 144:12)
I pray he’s being just as faithful.
I don’t want to be like the woman in Proverbs 7 who selfishly flatters and entices men. I want to cause only one man to desire me- and that is my future husband.
Maybe it’s just me, but I find it really discouraging when I see a girl in revealing clothes, and a flirtatious attitude walk into the room and my brothers in Christ, those “conservative, Christian (and yes, even homeschooled) young men flock to her side. They tease, flirt, and boost her ego (which encourages her to keep it up) by giving this girl every ounce of their attention.
“To keep you from the evil woman, From the flattering tongue of a seductress. Do not lust after her beauty in your heart, Nor let her allure you with her eyelids.” (Proverbs 6:24-25)
Meanwhile, girls like me who dress modestly sit in the background, wondering if it’s all worth it (by the way, I’m not talking denim sacks and tennis shoes – I dress attractively). I’ve been faithful to my family, I’ve worked hard to develop my homemaking skills, I’ve studied hard, I’ve remained pure, and I’ve prepared myself for motherhood.
Yet, sometimes I find myself tempted to wonder how I’ll ever get married if I don’t throw out a little “bait.” I don’t plan to do this, but I’m being frank about some of the struggles we Christian girls face.
I’ve read the Modesty Survey by the Harris boys and I’ve listened to young men beg young women to dress modestly. Well, I heard you, guys, and I loved you enough to comply. So, why can’t you take your eyes off the girl in the tight jeans? Get a grip.
What do you think these sorts of actions communicate to us? What does it say to Christian girls who are striving to honor the Lord? Girls who have been faithful at home, preparing for…well, for you? I’ll tell you. It shows us what you truly value: How a girl looks; how much of her body she flaunts; that you don’t value modesty; and that what we’ve been striving to do (help you guard your eyes) is totally unappreciated.
Recently, I found it very hurtful when someone at church made a comment to me about how “dorky” it was to wear only skirts. I replied, “I wear pants when the situation calls for it, but my father prefers me to wear skirts, so that is what you’ll usually see me in. I’m honoring my father, so why ridicule me? Why not encourage me?
I’m also wondering why so many of you are going outside of your own churches to pursue girls who are weak and worldly in their walk with the Lord—girls who, based on their current lifestyle choices, may not even want to homeschool your children. I’ve heard some of you excuse your attachments to these girls—girls who reject all that your parents hold dear, by insisting you will “change her” or you will “teach her.”
I always thought this was something that only girls dealt with (wanting to “change” the “bad boy”) – but no! It’s happening to guys too! It’s happening all around me every day – Christian young men who seem to want a girl who is “cool” and who shows off her body.
But I have to ask you a question. Do you really believe that the girl who flirts and flaunts herself while she’s single, will suddenly become the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 if she marries you? I’m afraid too many men have learned the hard way that this isn’t how it works.
Just because a girl is a Christian doesn’t mean she will be faithful after marriage – perhaps she won’t be unfaithful physically, but what about emotionally? Don’t you see how dangerous this is? The fact that so many beautiful, faithful, Christian girls are being ignored and passed up is shameful—and for such fleshly reasons!
I’m weary of it. Stop loving what is “cool” and start loving what is “holy.” (1 Peter 1:13-16) If you’re having trouble discerning who would and who would not make a good wife, why don’t you ask your father for help? Listen to his council and don’t stop your ears to his words. “My son, pay attention to my wisdom; lend your ear to my understanding,” (Proverbs 5:1) “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.” (Proverbs 31:10)
Please, young men, look past the flirty girls. Look for a young woman who will be faithful to you all the days of her life. Look for a young woman who will honor you, love and nurture your children, and make your house a haven—a woman who you can safely trust in.
“The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:11-12)
Look at her heart. I know that’s so cliché, but it’s true. Look at who she is. Look at how she honors her father, how she treats her siblings, how she communicates with other young men, the way she carries herself.
Please, for the sake of the girls out there who are striving to honor the Lord—the girls who have worked hard to remain faithful, and who long to get married, don’t forget about us—for the sake of your family, your future, and your children; but, most of all, for the sake of your God.
Please pass this on to all the Christian young men you know. And, please, if you have a moment, write a note of encouragement to this faithful young lady, and to those like her.