Before my husband, James, and I met, I managed apartments for a large company in Houston. I was extremely self-sufficient and took pride in the fact that I had been successful on my own. However, especially after becoming a Christian, I had a deep desire to have a family. I would have traded my “career” in a second to be a homemaker.

I watched with envy women at church who seemed to have the type of husband and family I hoped to have one day. I struggled with covetousness, constantly repenting for not appreciating where God had me. I often felt lonely and forsaken, especially during a trial, an illness, or late at night in the quietness of my apartment. I fervently prayed for a godly husband who would love and protect me (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). I imagined what it would be like to prepare a homecoming for the father of my children each evening, cooking homemade meals and making our house a haven.

I longed to be blessed with many children—children I could love and nurture at home. I was not impressed with cold business meetings, office politics, or customer service complaints. I longed to be a housewife and often voiced my “old-fashioned” dreams to perplexed co-workers.

Shortly after that, God answered my prayers and I met James. We were married one evening under the stars on the River Walk in San Antonio, and I soon began my life as a homemaker. Though I was thrilled finally to be living out my dream, I struggled daily with a deep-seated habit of ruling my own life.

As I had been in survival mode for so long it was extremely difficult to “turn it off” and trust my husband, allowing him to lead me. I wasn’t used to answering to anyone, and I thought it ridiculous when he requested that I not do any shopping after dark or when he “helped” with suggestions for my daily tasks or schedule. What did he think I had done before I met him?

I found myself having an attitude contrary to many things James said. When he gave his input on how something should be handled, I began treating him as though his suggestion was silly. If a decision he made didn’t have my stamp of approval on it, I made him question his own judgment. What is interesting is that I recall secretly hoping my manipulation tactics would fail. I truly didn’t want to be in control, even as my flesh did!

There was an incredible inward battle going on. I told myself I was a “submissive wife” (after all, I knew what the Bible said), since my husband typically had the “last word” on any given matter. I never blatantly refused to obey his decision. But what I failed to recognize was my ability to convince him to do things my way and then call it “his decision.”

When it looked as though I wouldn’t get my way in a matter, I punished him with my silence and angry demeanor; and when I did get my way, I was irritated and discontent. There was literally no pleasing me. When James stated his case firmly on a matter, I took it as a challenge to prove him wrong. I was quarrelsome and contentious (Proverbs 25:24). I was a woman tearing down my own house (Proverbs 14:1).

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. (Proverbs 14:1)

My husband, though a very strong spiritual leader, is a gentle and tender man who loves to please me. As a result, many times he gave in to my ridiculous arguments. Ironically, this caused me to view him as weak, and so my resentment and disrespect grew. I secretly wanted him to stand his ground but pridefully stood in the way of his doing it.

As the months passed, I became depressed. I was angry with myself for the way I treated my husband, and the kinder and gentler he was toward me, the more difficult I became. I prayed and confessed and begged the Lord to help me. I felt the tremendous guilt of my rebellion, but I did not know how to change my course.

I began to read Scriptures about obedience and submission and this only seemed to further condemn me (Ephesians 5:22-24; Colossians 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1, 3:4-6; 1 Corinthians 11:3). I realized I was wrong. I felt mean and wicked and knew my sweet husband deserved so much better.

When he was not home, I prayed and cried out to the Lord to help me to love my husband the way that I should (Titus 2:4-5); I prayed God would give me a meek and gentle spirit (1 Peter 3:4) and teach me to put others first (Mark 9:35). I pleaded for a submissive heart and repented of my rebellion. But inside, nothing seemed to change; at least, not right away.

I was determined to honor the Lord by looking for ways to bless my husband. I made a concerted effort to choose things he wanted or preferred (Romans12:10) and stayed silent about my own wishes—even when it would have been perfectly fine to express an opinion. I didn’t trust myself to be respectful, so I stayed silent.

There were days when I submitted to my husband through clenched teeth, my sarcasm and sharp tongue barely kept at bay (Colossians 3:23). It was a fierce and futile flesh-powered struggle because in my self-sufficiency, I was still trying to change myself, rather than relying on God to change me. I needed brokenness.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart— These, O God, You will not despise. (Psalm 51:17, NKJV)

As time went on I continued to cry out to God. I was frustrated that I couldn’t enjoy the gift God had given me because of my own selfish heart. The Lord had already shown me that my independent and self-sufficient spirit was the hindrance in our marriage, but I felt alone in the struggle with my flesh.

I truly wanted my husband to lead, but my contentious spirit wouldn’t allow it. How bewildered he must have felt as my irrational attitude left him with a seemingly no-win situation. However, he was patient and kind during this time and never shut me out or showed any signs of anger. I remember almost wishing he would blow up at me so that I could feel sorry for myself and blame him for my misery.

Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. (Colossians 3:19)

Before the first year of our marriage was complete, we faced some incredible trials. In the midst of these struggles, I found myself pregnant, exhausted, and overwhelmed. Consequently, this left me feeling very needy. I became depressed, physically weak, anemic, and close to despair. My hormones caused me to be very emotional, and the trials we faced seemed like a punishment from God.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I prayed and searched God’s Word for answers, but I did not see any relief in sight. I began to question my own faith and wondered why I felt so abandoned.

For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed. (Psalm 31:10)

During this time, my precious husband was steadfast. He prayed out loud for me (whether I wanted him to or not), he spoke gently to me and treated me with such tenderness and concern that I was pierced through by his love. There were times when he prayed for me in our bed at night and I would pretend to be asleep—still unwilling to admit my weakness.

James called me from work often, wrote me love letters, and wooed me to himself. One morning I was brought to tears by the Scripture verses and encouraging words he had left for me on our bathroom mirror. I knew he loved me.

This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:21-23, NKJV)

All these things greatly ministered to my heart and a strange thing began to happen. In my depression and weakness I began to desperately need my husband. I looked forward to his tenderness and his encouragement. I turned to him for advice, prayer, and guidance on matters that seemed beyond my wisdom.

Not only did I need him, but I also began to deeply trust him. I realized I had held back my trust in fear of being somehow rejected or hurt. My past had left deep scars that God was healing. As my dependence on him grew, I began to find submission to my husband a joy and a relief; I felt protected, loved, and cherished—and I began to trust God’s sovereignty.

I went through a long period of physical and emotional weakness as I rested in the shelter James provided. I hated for him to leave for work in the morning, and looked forward to his return in the evening. I truly needed my beloved, and it felt wonderful. He was my closest and truest friend, my encourager, and my lover!

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. (Ephesians 5:25-28)

God answered my prayers for a changed heart toward my husband in His own way and in His own timing. He created circumstances that turned out to be miraculous in more ways than one. The Lord used this time of dependence on Him and the husband He had graciously provided to break my life-long habit of independence and self-sufficiency. I wasn’t an island. He slowly revealed to me that it was all right to “need” my husband.

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)

God showed me my weakness so that He could reveal to me His strength. He allowed my trials because it was necessary to retrain my thinking and habits. I cried out to God and He answered. Through my husband’s tender care and mercies toward me, through his fervent prayers on my behalf, and through his unwavering faithfulness, God changed and healed me.

O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me. (Psalm 30:2)

In my self-sufficiency I had defiantly denied that I was a “weaker vessel” and rejected my husband’s love and care. God softened my heart and caused me to accept the help He provided—through my husband. We now experience a oneness that cannot be described with words. The Song of Solomon is a living song in our marriage! To God be the glory!

God is wise in heart and mighty in strength. Who has hardened himself against Him and prospered? (Job 9:4, NKJV)

Note: Please know that I have not “arrived.” I still struggle on a daily basis with my flesh and my desire to have my own way, but I am no longer overwhelmed by my sin. I have been conquered by the Lord, but sanctification is a day-by-day, moment-by-moment process.

For those whose husbands are not living in obedience to the Lord, please don’t lose heart! Remember, God is the One who worked in my heart, and my husband was used by Him to do that work. We are required to submit to our husbands regardless of their consistency in loving us as Christ loves the Church. Scripture teaches that a wife may win her disobedient husband without a word (1 Peter 3:1-6) by her God-fearing attitude coupled with her chaste conversation. Please be assured, however, that I am not advocating the endurance of physical abuse.*

In His sovereignty, God chose to use my husband and difficult circumstances to convict me of my sin. He could have used any situation, any person, or none at all. God is God, and He is the One who gets the glory (1 Corinthians 3:7).